March 7th, University Mental Health Awareness Day.
Mental Health is something I’m acutely aware of, and have spoken about so much in the past. I’m an Ambassador for LionHeart, the Charity for Surveyors.
If you’re a Surveyor and you need help financially, legally or with any mental health or health challenges, get in contact they will help you!
Twitter – @LionHeartRICS
LinkedIn – LionHeart RICS
Facebook – @LionHeartCharity
I’ve received A LOT of counseling in the past to help me with my mental health.
I am a worrier, I experience persistent, obsessive thoughts which leads to anxiety.
It’s heightened during my period, or times of transition. It’s a miracle that I can even pinpoint this for you… rewind 5 years and I wouldn’t understand myself.
Oh, also, just to clarify, sometimes I also think completely normally. It arrives when I’m least expecting it.
Most recently, it arrived because of feeling like a failure.
I’m my harshest critic. I’ve got to be constantly achieving so that I can measure my worth. I’ve got to be earning the most, coping with the most, feeling like the most.
What is ‘the most’… I actually don’t know. It’s just better than before – I forget that there are peaks and troughs. I hate admitting that I didn’t achieve something, or I ‘failed’, because I’m ashamed of myself, that I didn’t live up to my high standard… it’s a hard guilt that arrives in my chest (and then makes me worry I have breast cancer / having a heart attack / can’t breathe… when in reality it’s persistent panic attacks).
I’m writing this whilst on the flight back to JFK. I just watched A Star is Born, so I’m feeling particularly weepy.
Here’s what I’m worrying about:
- NC Real Estate will never make me money… the launch didn’t get the figures I was anticipating, so I will need to top up the business bank account with yet another Natasha Collins directors loan… will this company ever look after itself?!… and I need to come up with new ideas, which are absent right now
- For the first time in years my AirBnB is just breaking even this month after a series of guest cancellations and increased competition
- I have no idea how I’m going to afford the wedding dress of my dreams (see above, which I was counting on a little bit this month)
- I’m about to start teaching a new semester and I’m terrified that it’s going to be problematic. I received a lot of unfounded complaints last semester and after a rather laborious investigation everything has been swept under the carpet… leaving me feeling a tad vulnerable and frustrated that I wasn’t believed in the first place. I really just want to go back to enjoying my job, not worrying that I’m up against the firing squad again.
- I have an assignment due in on Wednesday 6th It’s a group presentation for my teaching qualification. Out of the group of 8, there are 4 of us who are working on it… and I’ve been so busy over the last few days that I didn’t have the capacity to do anymore. I have to rely on the fact that someone else has stepped up, I feel guilty on the people who will have to step up, but also tired, I can’t carry everyone all the time!
- What rigmarole will I have to go through to get off this flight at immigration… I’m only on a rolling 6 month B2 visa until Chris and I get married as there wasn’t an option for anything else. I will either get heavy questions or allowed straight through. I hope it’s the latter.
In all of the above it’s the fear of:
‘I’m not good enough. I’m failing because I can’t seem to cope or figure out solutions to my problems. I don’t know how I’m going to solve this and I’m tired.’
In reality, I’m pretty sure everything is hunky dory. In fact, writing it out, helps me put it in perspective…
Yet, it’s a reoccurring thought and I get trapped in it. It doesn’t matter what the worry is, I go back to that same sentence and then my mind spirals out of control from there.
This isn’t bad worries, like it has been in the past. When I was 16 I used to make myself throw up to try and purge my anxieties or hide in bushes hoping that I wouldn’t be carted off to an insane asylum because I was so terrified of my own thoughts.
I’m not terrified of my thoughts. I’m worrying about running out of new ones and that keeps me up at night.
How am I going to help myself?
Well, firstly I’ve got it down on paper. You get to hold me accountable to make it right.
Secondly ,I’m going to tell my Mum and Chris… and probs Rach and Lau, when I get around to being able to explain myself.
Thirdly, I’m going to take some time out to read the books that I bought myself, with a candle and cup of tea.
The only way to remove the weight of my own world is to tell someone else, and to cry. I don’t usually cry a lot, but when I do, it feels good.
I’m learning every day to feel what’s actually going on and learn to help myself.
If you ever feel anything similar or completely different, but it doesn’t feel good – talk to someone. Tell someone.
No matter how crazy it is, trust me, they will understand.
You are absolutely fine and normal for having these thoughts… trust me, because I’m in the same boat!